A Second Chance at Love

I was just surfing facebook this afternoon and came across this blog. Do take some time to read these 2 posts: Here and Here

Both of them are just so inspiring and these 2 posts really warmed my heart. I guess you could say they give me a little hope for my future? Hopefully, I'll be as lucky as them.

These days, I can't stop but wonder what have I done that was so terribly wrong...
Sighhh... Because of all these stupid emotions, I'm just drowning in my own thoughts and I can't even get myself to focus on studying. I know I should, I want to. But I just can't. I know I should blame myself. But I still blame him. Everyday, I ask myself why... Why did he chose to end it at such a crucial moment? Why does he say he wants me as a friend when he doesn't even treat me like one? Why did he claim to love me when all his actions now says otherwise? Why is it so easy for everyone to give up on me?
He knew that I only had him... But yet, he still left me alone during moments when I needed him the most. I don't know who he is anymore...

I really hope to just finish As and get a decent score to get into a course I want. Difficult... but do I have a choice? I don't have anyone else... Just me. Am I strong enough to do this alone?

Here's a snippet from Irina's blog to end off.

"What I am trying to get at is ultimately, your subsequent love might just be better than the previous. It doesn't matter what's lost; what matters is how brave you're to have had love and able to love again after the heartbreak. Others do not define your ability to love. You, only you do."

4 more days...

Graduation

To be honest, leaving SR has left me with mixed feelings.
Of course, I'm glad that I've finally left hell but to be honest, some things may not have happened if I never came here so... yeah. Of course, things may not be great right now but we shouldn't regret the choices we made right?
I didn't really take many photos so I shall just post some that were taken from the SRJC Alumni Facebook Page.

Thank you 2SR13 for making life in SR so much better. We may not be very bonded but trust me, it's better than year 1 haha(: You guys are genuinely very nice people and to be honest, I can't say that for many others so kudos to you guys!
To all my other friends, thanks you for helping me get through this crazy time. I'm not very good with words so... let the videos do the talking(:

Video by Yu Ning and Nigel: HERE
Video by Mr Yeo:



2 more weeks.
The exam that we worked our ass off for 12 years for. I really have no confidence in how I'll fare. But let's just hope I can get into the course I want...

Regrets

Wasted tears and wasted efforts.
Wasted time and wasted emotions.
Wasted opportunities and wasted hope.
Essentially they are all just regrets.

I may not say it, but I notice.
I may not say it, but I'm thankful.
I may not say it, but I'm hurt.
I may not say it, but I care.

Bullshit

All along you said I was your best friend. But i guess all that is bullshit huh. You're not even acting like a friend. Not even an aquintance. You encourage everyone else. But me. I've been replaced by everyone else. Even the girls in your class. So this time I'll give up. After all im apparently not as significant in your life as you are in mine so fuck it. Im not putting myself down for you anymore. No more. Im done with your bullshit and lies and I can't wait to start on a new journey in life so I can officially forget you. I've given up so much for you these past 2 years. So many friendships which I could have forged. Now that you don't need me anymore, I have no one else. But you don't seem to care. For once, just once, cant you treat me just a fraction as good as how you treat your friends? Even as I'm bawling my heart out writing this, I can't even bring myself to hate you.

It hurts how little I mean to you but I guess you were just that asshole all along but i didnt realise it. I give up acting like whatever you say and do doesn't affect me. I give up trying to repair what we once had. I give up crying everyday and every night over you. And most of all, I give up putting in effort in being friends when all you ever wanted was to be strangers once again.

I know you hate it when i say this but what choice are you giving me? I've never put myself so low for someone before in my life. But now... This is my breaking point. I cant do this anymore. No matter how important you are to me. I'm officially giving up on you.

Until you show me otherwise, this is goodbye. Friendship is a two-way street and it needs two hands to clap. But I'm tired of being the only one putting in any effort at all. You said you wanted to be friends. You said it. But why are you doing this to me after I decided to agree? You have time for everyone else but me. Everytime I ask you out, you always have plans with others. Either that or you have to study... but you're never too busy for others. I'm merely a third choice. Not even a second. I just don't get it anymore. And it's always me asking you out... You've never asked me...

Once

For once, I just wished someone would take me into consideration.
Since young, it has always been me asking people out. And I hate it.
Why does it always have to be me and make me seem so desperate?
The moment I stop asking people out, no one asks me either. No one.
Im just sick and tired of this... Of not being important to anyone.

Disappointments

If you really cared, you would have understood why I did what I did.

If you really knew me, you would have known the reason to why I wanted that. Or at least made it up to me.

As a "best friend", I guess I'm just disappointed coz we have become more distant than we have ever been. And its not coz I've stopped trying. You did.
I never stopped trying. But you're kinda telling me that I should right now.

I really have no idea what to do. You have so many friends there for you. But me? I have no one. But I guess that's not your problem already huh? I'm just a thorn in your flesh...

Don't worry, I'm not blaming you. I just wish that I meant more to you... Hehh.

I need to let go

I'm screwed. I really can't put my head into studying. Everytime I try to focus, 5 minutes later I realise I'm just stoning and just wondering... And it doesn't help that I see certain kind of people everywhere.

I guess I can only blame myself for being so naive and so dependent...

I know why I like reading. It's because they bring me places and allow me to feel emotions that I'll never be able to feel in reality. Let's face it, fairytales aren't real. And being me, it really sucks seeing how much I dream of a happy ending.

The art of letting go... I haven't quite grasped the concept yet... but I will soon. But it sucks that I have to learn it as I try to get through this tough period. I'm lonely and I'm scared. But this is all I've got. I'm not strong enough to carry this by myself. Truth be told, in my whole 12 years of schooling, I've never felt more alone than I am now in JC. 

They say you yourself are the only one that can piece your heart back together. Others can only help you to pick up the pieces... You never stop loving someone. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting them...It just means you simply learn to get on with life, forgetting all the past negativity while remembering all the good times. They will forever hold a piece of your heart, replacing that piece with one of theirs... But that's just life. There's nothing you can do to stop it.

One day, I hope, I'll be able to look back and laugh at how ridiculous I'm being haha. But for now, I need to learn to let go of the past, live in the present and pray for the best for the future.

To end off, I'll just leave you guys with this song, again. HAHA... Coz I finally found the singapore version which may not be the best, but it was honestly how I found out about this song years ago (:

Things weren't supposed to be so tough...

First Love

If he's your first, it doesn't mean that he's your last.
You'll find many people you love in the future, you just may not be in love with them all.
Your first love is someone whom you'll compare all other guys to I guess... But it's your last love that will make you understand why it never worked out with anyone else.

I guess I've been feeling a wee bit too emotional these days so haha... I started to think a lot.

Here's one part of an article which I recently read.
It's definitely worth the read so if you guys have the time, do take a look. Sure I may not agree 100% with it but there is some truth behind it I guess. To each her own.

Taken from Dailymail:

Like most teenage couples, however, we decided we were too young to carry on.
Were there not other people out there we might love? I think this is how we both felt, even if it was with a sense of regret.
Yet, in truth, no one forgets their first love. How could they? It's just not possible to forget that tingling sensation you feel when you fall in love for the very first time.
Your first love brings up emotions that you may never have felt before - wild and passionate and almost startling in their intensity, almost a pure version of strong emotions that, later on in life, experience teaches you to dilute.
Sometimes, I believe I will never feel that way again.
In fact, most people feel they have never come near feeling that strongly ever again.
A recent publication from the Institute for Social and Economic Research at the University of Essex suggests that first relationships become so idealised, they set up unrealistic benchmarks for subsequent relationships.
According to Dr Malcolm Brynin, the principal research officer, it is safest to avoid an unrealistic version of a first relationship.
This, he claims, leads to a lifetime of disappointment. This certainly seems to be true given the amount of time people spend trying to track down past loves either through Friends Reunited, MySpace or Facebook.
But does having romantic feelings about your first love have a massive effect on expectations in future relationships? How can a second love ever match up to the first?
When we fall in love for the first time, we are young. Returning to that love makes us feel young again.
First loves are our testing ground of how to, or how not to, behave in a relationship. Ones which are often mired in the apprehension of disappointment.
All girls I know are convinced their boyfriends are about to 'finish' with them. It is terrifying when you first fall in love because there is, inevitably, an end to it where you will both end up feeling hurt.
It is the putting of yourself on the line for the very first time that makes first love so thrilling, so important, so necessary.

So what are your thoughts?

I'll just end off with this song from Utada Hiraku. Since it kinda matches the topic of this blogpost haha. I added both the japanese and the english version. (: Personally I find that the japanese version captures the raw feeling of the song more... not coz it's a cover. Idk, I just feel it fits better with the song I guess. Enjoy!

Japanese Version:


English Version


Click for lyrics:

Butterfly Kisses

I found this on liftable.com but it was really touching coz of the lyrics... do just spare some time to watch this.

Gonna fail As at this rate

Hehh... First time studying in school alone today. Not that great a feeling sighhh but what to do? I did all that I could. Just wish I had someone in sr to study with...